Why you are a terrible customer.

I work at a grocery store as a stocker, department manager, and cashier. So i'd like to think that i'm pretty well-rounded in the experience area. As my co-worker Ryan and I were trying hard as hell to finish up dairy so that we could do inventory on our respective stock, I kept getting called to open a register because we were SO. DAMN. BUSY. And i got to thinking. My life would be made a hellovalot easier if customers would just behave. I was about ready to kill several people today and i only had to cashier for about a half hour. But the more i thought about it, the more i realized that most customers probably don't even realize what they're doing that's so wrong. So i decided to take it upon myself to tell you what it is that makes you a terrible customer.

THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT MAKES YOU A TERRIBLE CUSTOMER IS....
You write a check.
Let me tell you something about checks. THEY ARE EVIL. Do you have ANY idea how ANNOYING it is for me, as a cashier, to deal with your check!? Our store has an electronic check system. That on its own is extremely aggravating and time-consuming because we have to do about 10 things before we can send the customer on their way.
1. give cashier check.
2. cashier runs it through machine
3. select 'personal' in check options.
4take it out of machine.
5. wait for approval.
6. have customer sign screen.
7. re-enter check through machine
8. machine prints VOID on check.
9. Return check to customer
10. Verify on the register that you did indeed return the check to the customer
11. give customer receipt
12. give customer piece of paper that tells us that they will pay the amount written.

And yes, it takes EXACTLY as long as it sounds.

So you can imagine that check-writing is QUITE UPSETTING to us cashiers sometimes, especially when we're busy.
These next few correspond with the check-thing.
II. you don't have a pen and expect me to have one.
Ok, let me explain something to you. I don't carry a pen with me. I carry a very large black marker, two box-cutters, and if it's Saturday, a pair of gloves. There. Now you know what we keep in those apron pockets. Know why i don't have a pen? Because I DON'T NEED ONE! I don't write checks! Why the FUCK do i need a pen? YOU SHOULD HAVE A PEN! You're the one who needs the goddamn pen! And don't get pissy at me when I don't have a pen for you! If you INSIST on using a fucking DEAD technology, then you should carry a goddamn fucking pen and don't give me a dirty look when you ask for one and i don't have one for you. I'm not your personal pen-carrier.

I'd also like to make note that with the electronic check system, you don't even have to fill out your check and therefore really don't need a pen. But trying to explain that to people is like speaking Swahili.

III. You write the check over and don't tell me
I can't read your mind. I don't really read your check. I'm not going to know that you wrote it over 10 dollars if you don't tell me. I don't care that you've written it over and want some money back. But you NEED TO INFORM ME THAT THE AMOUNT ON THE CHECK IS NOT THE AMOUNT OF YOUR PURCHASE!

IV. You don't begin writing your check until i've told you the total.
You're a bitch if you do this. 'nuff said.


Moving on from checks....

The number two reason you are a terrible customer....

You put different fruit and vegetables into the same bag.

Ok, seriously. Things such as APPLES and SQUASH do not have BARCODES. They have a little sticker with a four-digit number on them. You may have noticed this. You also may notice that whenever a cashier has produce, they type in a bunch of numbers to ring it up. Those numbers are the ones on the sticker. You may also be aware that we price produce according to pound. That's why there are SCALES in the produce section. No, they aren't just there for decoration. Each fruit and each vegetable has its own number and its own price/lb. So you might understand it now when i say DO NOT PUT DIFFERENT TYPES OF PRODUCE INTO THE SAME PLASTIC BAG! I get people coming through with six different types of apples all in the same bag. Do you know what i have to do then? I have to take each one out and ring it up individually. And that just leads to a whole mess of trouble. First of all, i don't want to touch your produce for the exact same reason you don't want me touching your produce. My hands are dirty, and you're gonna wanna eat that apple. So it would just be doing me a HUGE service if you were to just put your damn fruit in separate bags according to type. Pink Ladies go with Pink Ladies. Fujis go with Fujis. Granny Smiths DO NOT GO WITH Braeburn!! It's really not much to ask.

NUMBER THREE

This goes for stockers and cashiers alike.
Do not ask me to look for something that you haven't even looked for yourself. As a stocker, ok, i suppose this can be ok sometimes. If you just want the aisle, or to be pointed in the general direction, then ok, of course. We can help you. But do not make me go get it for you! Fuck, are you seriously that lazy!? I'm a STOCKER, not a personal shopper.
And when i'm cashiering, come on. i'm BUSY! I can't just close my lane to go get you something! You have two legs!
Ok so i was on lane today, and this lady comes up to me and she doesn't have anything with her but a piece of paper. she thrusts it at me and says, "Do you have this kind of tequila?" and i said "I'm not sure, did you check on the liquor wall for it?"
(The liquor wall is literally ten feet in front of the lanes, by the way.) and she looks at me and says "No."
I'm a blank. I got nothing. I kind of look at the liquor wall helplessly, and then at the four people in my line, and i say "well I don't really know if we have it---"
and she interrupts me, saying " well could you maybe FIND someone who DOES?"

No bitch. No. I can't. Do you SEE THIS LINE!? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS STORE? CAN YOU NOT WALK TEN FUCKING FEET TO LOOK FOR YOURSELF!?

But thank god the manager walked by at that time so i threw her at him.
Seriously people. You have eyes. LOOK.

And yes, we did have the liquor. It was in a lime green box. cost her 50 bucks. Oh sophisticated marketplace shoppers.

NUMBER FOUR

You tell the me how much everything you bought is before i ring it up.

Yes, thank you, i can read. These confounded computers are actually good for something. RINGING UP ITEMS. It does, in fact, tell me how much everything is. Don't sit there and every time i pick up an item, say "oh that's 2 for 3. " "oh, that's 1.59/lb"

I know.
Thank you.

STOP IT! CHRIST ITS ANNOYING! I don't care if you phrase it as a question, such as 'that's on sale for such-such, right?" and i can say "yes" and move along! But don't sit there and tell me how much everything you bought is because I DON'T CARE! It's however much it rings up as! I'm not gonna take your damn word for it over the computer's so don't fucking argue with me!


NUMBER FIVE

My closed sign is up, and you come in my lane anyway.

I'm not kidding. I really am closed. Chances are you've caught me 5 minutes after i'm supposed to outta here and i'm trying to clean the belt and close my drawer out. In fact, i've probably already removed my drawer so i can specifically avoid ringing up anyone else. I can't help you. I don't really even want to help you. Go to the next lane that says OPEN. just because i'm at the lane doesn't mean i'm here to serve you. i'm CLOSED.

NUMBER SIX

You try to get in after we close.

his is most annoying on sundays because we close 2 hours earlier than normal. However, it states very clearly on the entrance doors that we close at EIGHT PM on sundays. It also might be obvious in that the entrance doors are locked. So what do you do? You come in through the exit.

WHO DOES THAT? C'MON! WHAT PART OF CLOSED DON'T YOU GET!?

You know what? come on in, because all the lanes are closed out anyway. There ain't no money in them. You could put 200 dollars worth of groceries in your cart if you want, but no ones gonna ring you up because the money is locked up in the cash office, counted and ready to go and we're LEAVING. We aren't going to help you after closing time, especially if you come in through the FUCKING EXIT!

NUMBER SEVEN

You don't put things back where you found them.

There's nothing more annoying than finding cheetos in the milk and milk in the broccoli. Just ask someone to put it back for you! I'd much rather you ask me to take whatever you don't want back to whatever aisle than find rotten meat in the stuffed animals again!

NUMBER EIGHT

You don't believe me when i say we don't have something.

Look, if i say we don't have buttermilk, we don't FUCKING have buttermilk! Who's the stocker here!? I spend six hours in the damn cooler, i know if we have buttermilk or not!
"Do you have buttermilk?"
"I'm sorry, we're all out of it today, we'll have an order in on tuesday"
"Could you check?"

What the fuck did i just say woman. I said tuesday. It's not tuesday. Come back on TUESDAY. Just because you want the buttermilk now doesn't mean its going to fall out of the sky for you and we aren't going to magically have a case in the cooler. I mean, if i say "i'm not sure" then of course i'll go look for it. Because hey, i'm not sure. but if i say 'no, we don't have it' i mean NO! Why would i purposely avoid a sale? Just believe me ok?

I'd also like to make note that any stocker who says we don't have something and its told to go check and goes to check, he's not checking. He probably just went to get a drink of water and then will come back and tell you the exact same thing.


NUMBER NINE

You wander into the back room (stock room, behind the big doors, whatever) looking for something.

GET OUT. this is NOT your shopping space!! This is MY area, not YOURS! I don't wanna be sitting in back, going through my stock bins, listening to my ipod, and have some random customer wandering on back looking for something! NO! JUST STOP!
This goes for the cooler as well. The cooler is loud, its hard to hear whats going on around you, and you really can't hear what's going out outside of it. There's nothing fucking scarier than to be stocking orange juice and looking over to see some fat ass for-all-i-know murderer staring at beer! THIS IS NOT A WALK IN COOLER! There are NO doors to the cooler the lead out to the sales floor! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET BACK HERE!? GET OUT!!!! if you want something, ASK!


And the NUMBER TEN reason you are a terrible customer is....

You complain to me about the price of something.

Yeah, because i totally priced everything in here to my own personal liking. YOU'RE the one that came to this place! You coulda gone to Meijer, or fucking walmart for all i care, but no, you had to come to the SOPHISTICATED marketplace!! So don't bitch at me when everything is a dollar more than anywhere else. it's not my fault, and i'm not going to mark it down for you.



Wow, that felt AWESOME. I really needed to get that out. And I hope this valuable information will turn you into the absolute best customer that you can be. I know that working at a grocery store has certainly transformed my etiquette towards those who serve me, and i hope it will yours too.