First off: i'd like to apologize for any words that don't exactly make sense (for example, the word 'doucheface' anywhere you think 'fuck' should be) because Dan fails.
This was originally written when i was at work at, you guessed it, Games Express, the other day and I was just reflecting on how much i hate working down there.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love working at waldenbooks. I love that job, i love donna, i love pretty much everything about it. Except Games Express. That stupid little kiosk. I hate it. Working down there after being up at Calendars is like being demoted. It really sucks. Let me give you a few reasons why i hate Games Express.
See, it really isn't even the kiosk i hate so much. It's its location and everything around it contributing to make it one big crappy place.
First, i hate the lights. I always forget to turn them on. It's just annoying to remember an hour later and stupidly turn on the lights in the middle of the day, and its even more annoying when someone like, my BOSS, comes down and reminds me and its like MOTHERDAMN!
Second.
Abercrombie. I hate that douche face store. What is their deal, anyway? Its like hey, we're abercrombie, we play really shitastic music really loudly. Why do they play such bad music? Seriously, do they just go through these really long lists of rejected songs and put them all on their playlists to play over and over again, assailing my ears? I think it is their personal mission to destory my hearing. Have you even heard some of those lyrics?
I'M SO LUCKY LUCKY I'M SO LUCKY LUCKY I'M SO LUCKY LUCKY I'M SO LUCKY LUCKY
you get the idea.
They also play the song where the old man is dancing at six flags. I rest my case.
Another thing about Abercrombie. The cologne. What is their deal with the cologne. First off, it STINKS. Secondly, do you realize that they spray that nasty smelling crap all over their freaking clothes? That's just gross!! Its like, la la, working at the mall, OH GOD MY FACE!!! ITS MELTING!!! ABERCROMBIE GOT THE COLOGNE OUT!! Seriously, its like at the produce section at a grocery store, when they spray the vegetables! its rigoddamndiculous! Do they have the cologne up in their sprinkler system or something? Yeah, That's not flammable.
Moving on.
Ok, so this isn't much of an issue anymore since christmas is, you know, over, but santa. Holy god.
Not even Santa. its the parents who drag their kids in to see santa. They want to see santa more than the freakin kids! Half those children are terrified of Santa! I mean, it makes sense, your parents constantly tell you that if you talk to strangers you'll get brutally raped and murdered, and then they try to shove you into some fat guy's lap for pictures, seeming to take joy in your pain. I'd be scared too. So you get these eccentric, crazyass moms who can't understand why their 2 year old is crying and they start screaming at them ITS JUST SANTA YOU DUMB BRAT! which just kind of upsets the toddler more, i mean, come on now.
I just can't believe how dumb parents can be when it comes to their children and pictures. theyre like the hollywood moms who are trying to live through their kids, except its just a santa clause in the mall. ok moms, just fulfill your fantasies, go sit in the fat man's lap and just get it over with. its ok.
Another thing. those pagers. When things got really busy, the santa helpers handed out pagers so that people didn't have to wait in line for 2 hours, and could instead shop for 2 hours and come back when their pager beeped. Kinda like a restaurant. We're all familiar with that, right? I thought so too.
Apparently i didn't realize how difficult a pager can actually be. Ok, so i just thought, you know, you take the pager. You wait for the pager to beep. You return with pager.
Seemingly simple.
WRONG.
See, this is what you really do. You take the pager with a look of sheer bewilderment, asking why you can't just see santa now. The hostess explains to you that there is a 2 hour wait, which you don't understand because there's like 10 people in line. The hostess, whos becoming a real bitch at this point!, explains that these people have been waiting for 2 hours as well and to just take the pager and we'll page you when we're ready" and so you call her a few names and yell at her for inconveniencing you and all sorts of other things that are completely out of her control. You and your five screaming snotty whiny brats take one lap around macy's and return, thrusting the pager in the bitchy hostess's face.
"did it go off?" she asks.
"no," you reply, all ghettoass and attitude. "Was it supposed to?"
you look on in confusion as the hostess bangs her head on the counter.
This happened several times a day. I can't even imagine what it must've been like to be that hostess. I really felt bad for the girl.
Then you get the people who use location as a reason they should see santa first. The "But i came from ___________!!" people. There was one lady, she was like "2 HOURS? But i came all the way from THREE RIVERS!"
oh man, three rivers! that IS a trek!! How did you get here, covered wagon? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!? so you spent 10 minutes on the highway, so douche face what? Maybe, just MAYBE, you shouldn't have come at three o'clock in the afternoon on the saturday before christmas, nidiot.
I hate people.
I hate people and all the frucking retarded things they do, especially while at the cash register. Here are the things that drive me absolutely bizonkers.
example 1:
Me: Will that be all?
Them: yes
Me: Are you sure?
Them: Yes
Me: Are you absolutely POSITIVELY positive this is ALL you want.
Them: Yes
Me: ::pushes 'total'::
Them: oh, can i add these five things?
Me: No.
Example 2:
Me: That'll be 16.38
Them: ::hands me $20::
Me: Out of twenty?
Them: ::nod, looking unsure::
Me: ::stands still, holding the twenty and staring at the person for around 45 minutes, waiting, terrified, knowing whats coming....enters '2000' in the box and cringes and pushes 'cash'::
Them: oh, i think i have some change.
WHAT!? CHANGE? ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT TOOK YOU 2 HOURS TO FRIGGIN COUNT OUT 38 CENTS? NO! NO CHANGE! WRONG! YOU'RE GETTING CHANGE AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT, BITCH!!!!
I hate when people do shit like that! ok, just let me clarify, our cash registers are not exactly things of the 21st century. More like machines that Jesus may have used to ring up tables at his carpenter business. and we cannot just push backspace on account of people being retarded!!! goddammit, i have to give reasons when i have to void a sale, and most of the time its "customer is mentally challenged".
God.
Ok, well those are my three main things. Here are a few smaller things that make me want to puke on someone's face.
The ps3. I don't mind the ps3 so much. It's just that a lot of the time its not on. AND PEOPLE STILL TRY TO PLAY IT. hello! its douche face off! what the heck does a blank tv screen mean to you, stupid!?
People who ask if i've played the games here. Yes, nidiot, all douche face 600 of them. This is what i do with my time. I open product and play with it. Go kill yourself.
Guess. Guess and their enormous stupid lady poster blocking the store. Their freakin elephant nosebleed purses. Is that actually luggage in the display window, or is it a handbag. I CAN'T TELL.
The tarps that cover the kiosk What is up with those douche face sharp plastic things? i've stabbed myself like 39 times on those! Good lord, the bag they go in is completely annahilated! There's no point in even using the bag!
The 'That's so raven' card game. look at the cover of that game. LOOK AT HER FACE.
People who try to return stuff.
WE DON'T DO RETURNS.
It says that on your receipt, on an official store poster taped to the register, and on about 30 different man-made signs posted randomly. WE DO NOT GIVE REFUNDS! WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND! i don't care who you got the game from for christmas and that it sucks! i don't care! maybe you shouldn't have bought joel olsteen's your best life now! sure i havent played it but i coulda told you it would suck hairy balls! sorry! outta luck man! deal with it! goddammit, its not hard to figure out! EXCHANGES ONLY! douche face!
And really, that about covers it.
This was a long one!!
I hope you all enjoyed my first really long blog.
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